never ask a muppet for instructions
the following email message was written about two thirds of the way through a long and
harrowing workday, as part of a short week of long days to make up for vacation time. it
provides an excellent example of what happens to my brain when i work too much.
|Date: ||Thu, 10 Feb 2000 17:26:56 -0500|
|Subject: ||RE: free BK for whoever wants to take me to the airport tomorrow by 6.|
And, of course, I fuckin' love BK.
nononono, you fuckin' loooooove tur-kay.
Before you go, can you re-show me how to get files I've FTP'ed from work to my Executor folder?
- turn on your computer.
- right-click on the My Computer icon, and select Explore.
- navigate to C:\temp. if the directory does not exist, create it.
- create a new subdirectory, called "NewDownloads0045 ~8 0x568.00300AF0EDEADBEEF". you must type this EXACTLY or nothing will work as expected and all your files will have pops and clicks.
- wash your hands thoroughly.
- shave your chest and back. any hair on the chest or back completely invalidates the process.
- inscribe a 5-foot-wide pentagram on the floor in red chalk. one point must aim due north. if it is not oriented to due north, your files will come out back-masked with a german voice reciting "nele ist eine beyotch."
- place one black candle at each point of the pentagram.
- light the candles counterclockwise from the north, saying as you light each one, "ohme mane padme ohm, padme is a fine young queen."
- stand upright in the center of the pentagram, with your shoulders squared up with due north and your arms at your side.
- stand solemnly in grave silence for thirty seconds.
- slap your right hand against your left shoulder, leaving your arm stretched across your chest.
- immediately thereafter, slap your left hand against your right shoulder, leaving your left arm stretched across your chest and your other arm.
- simultaneously place your hands on your hips, with your elbows boldly pointing outward in a very manly fashion. (this is very pleasing to the network gods. you may wish to practice your masculinity in front of a mirror.)
- with your hands still on your hips, turn your head to the right and force a loud cough.
- extinguish the candles with your urine, again starting from the north and working counterclockwise. if you run out, your files will all be truncated, so be sure to drink lots of beer beforehand. don't use hard liquor, as your urine may catch fire.
- put your clothes back on and go back to your computer to copy the files over from the network drive like a normal person, you freak... what was all that about?
Mon Feb 14 21:36:45 EST 2000