If I Ever Become a Vampire:

1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.
2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.
3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.
4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4 wheel drive will be just fine.
5. I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.
6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.
7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.
8. My ghouls shall have good posture.
9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.
10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.
11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.
12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.
13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.
14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.
15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.