more chuckles and a warped sense of humor

Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students.

10) Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9) Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8) Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7) Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6) Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5) The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
4) Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3) Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2) Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1) Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CDA HEARINGS

From the judges' chambers to the stairwells in the Supreme Court itself, we have the top ten things heard at the CDA appeal hearings:

10. I can't define it, but I know it when I download it.
9. Does this mean the Paula Jones Web site will be taken down?
8. I don't know about you, but I'm moving my site to Moldovia.
7. Well, at least the children can still buy guns.
6. So will Courtney Love play Donna Rice Hughes in "The Net vs. Larry Flynt?"
5. Don't you just love the ACLU--defenders of truth, freedom, and www.perverts.com?
4. Oh man, I'd give anything to see Clarence Thomas's bookmark list.
3. But sir, I have no pornograph!
2. Does anybody really think the CDA can outsmart a horny 14-year-old?
1. Somebody tell Senator Exon he can stop with the research already.

source:CNET

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15) Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14) Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13) Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12) Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11) Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10) After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9) After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8) No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7) With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6) No warm blood for miles around DC.
5) Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4) No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3) Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2) Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1) Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

The Top 17 Signs You're The Reincarnation of Someone Famous

17> Working on your back under the car, you get the sudden urge to paint a church.
16> Same thing every morning: wake up, brush teeth, carve "SID" into your chest with a razor blade.
15> You can actually sing Bohemian Rhapsody without sounding like a complete idiot.
14> When your boss criticizes your sales projection figures, you hack off your ear.
13> Disqualified during Swim Suit Competition for smoking cigar and wiggling eyebrows at other contestants.
12> You've got Bette Davis eyes.
11> Can't understand why a fine physician like yourself is being sued for applying leeches to a patient.
10> Century after century, you find Shirley MacLaine consistently annoying.
9> Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, but you love her singing voice.
8> Whenever you get sick, it's always a rockin' pneumonia or a boogie-woogie flu.
7> In preparation for Hurricane Hortense, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbors' pets.
6> When you wake up in a puddle of your own overdose-induced vomit, you find yourself inexplicably crying out for Mr. French.
5> You cannot tell a lie. Regardless, you considering running for president.
4> Other scouts return from that first mountain hike with poison ivy; *you're* lugging tablets of inscribed stone.
3> You soil your pants every time you hear the words, "Little Bighorn."
2> Timmy is stuck in the old mine and all you can do is bark as your husband asks, "What is it, girl?!?"

and the Number 1 Sign You're The Reincarnation of Someone Famous...

1> That six-figure advance for your book, "I Was the Pelvis," buys a shitload of deep-fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
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