Soviet Style Socialism's Dying Gasps

The Seven Wonders of Soviet Socialism (Gorby's got his work cut out for him):
  1. Everybody is employed.
  2. Although everybody is employed, nobody does anything.
  3. Although nobody does anything, the Plan is still fulfilled to 100%.
  4. Although the Plan is always fulfilled to 100%, nothing is ever available in the stores.
  5. Although nothing is ever available for purchase, everyone eventually finds everything he/she needs.
  6. Although everyone eventually finds what he/she needs, everybody ends up stealing.
  7. Although everybody ends up being a thief, nothing is ever found missing.
The five rules of Socialism:
  1. Don't think
  2. If you do think, don't speak
  3. If you think and speak, don't write
  4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
  5. If you think, spead, write and sign, don't be surprised
An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.

"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."

The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."

"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."

"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

Why do Soviet policemen always patrol in groups of three, as in fact they often do?
One of them knows how to read, one knows how to add, while the third is there to observe the two suspected intellectuals.
How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?
Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech.
The price of political asassinations in Eastern Europe has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks. It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're having a liquidation sale.
Why is Poland just like the United States?
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the questions:
  1. Where were you born?
  2. Where did you go to school?
  3. Where did you attain your majority?
  4. Where do you wish to live?
One return provided the following answers:
  1. St Petersburg
  2. Petrograd
  3. Leningrad
  4. St Petersburg
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
  1. Engage the enemy.
  2. Draw him into your territory.
  3. Wait until winter sets in.
The teacher was discussing the creation of the world, Adam and Eve, and their expulsion from the paradise. At the end of the class the teacher asked: "So students, can you tell me who were Adam and Eve?"

One student answered: "They were Russians."

"Why?" asked the teacher.

"Because they didn't have clothes, house or car and they thought they were in paradise."

Why are Russian athletes as classy as they are?
Because they've trained using the border as the finish line.
Capitalism is the unequal distribution of Wealth.
Communism is the equal distribution of Poverty.
What is a Soviet trio?
A Soviet quartet returning from New York.
Late 1940's --- the Soviet Union in the late half of life was claiming it had invented the world. Stalin receives a report that Soviet archaeologists have discovered the remains of what might be the mighty warrior Ghengus Khan.

Stalin was excited, but was told he had to wait before the results could be certain. Stalin cabled "Patience run out. Need report."

Next day, a report comes back saying that the mummy was, indeed, Ghengus Khan. This is heralded all over the Soviet Union, and the archaeologists are given a banquet. One of their companions asks them how they were able to determine, beyond any doubt, that the mummy was indeed Ghengus Khan within such a short time.

"It was simple," replied the archaeologist. "The mummy confessed."

The Poles have a saying about how communist governments rewrite history: "Only the future is certain; the past is always changing."
Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting new party members?
If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you were never a member.
What's the difference between the US and Eastern Eupropean countries?
The United States still has a communist party.
The destruction of the Berlin wall marked history's first feminine revolution: There was no violence and when it ended everybody went shopping.
Heard in an eastern German department store:
Customer: Don't you have any shoes here?
Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture here. No shoes is one floor down.
What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
The meat line in Moscow.
In America, sometimes you catch cold.
In Soviet Union, cold catches YOU.
In an effort to bolster his popularity, Mikhail Gorbachev ventured to an agricultural community near Moscow, "Well, Comrade, how did the potatoes do this year?" he asked one farmer.

"Very well, Comrade president," the farmer replied. "If we piled them up, they would reach God."

"But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer."

"Nor do the potatoes, Comrade President."

The last tour of the Bolshoi Theatre through the United States finished unusually. All the artists came back to the Soviet Union.
The International Karate Federation has not registered the record of Japanese master Nakosya Vykusy who broke 50 bricks with one blow --- because these bricks were made in the Soviet Union.
An elixir of youth was made by members of the local chemical plant. After drinking this alcoholic concoction you become like children --- namely you crawl on all fours, saliva trickles from your mouth, and you wet your trousers.

Apropos recent events, in case you're wondering what will become of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East Germany.

"Oh they're all taxi drivers now", he said, "it was the obvious solution."

"Why is that?", I asked.

"Simple", he said, "you just give them your name --- and they know where you live."

Credits
From: kriz@skat.usc.edu (Dennis Kriz)
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
From: jtk@mordor.s1.gov (Jordan Kare)
From: sfleming@cs.heriot-watt.ac.uk
From: R.POLLAND@genie.com
From: wall@pa.dec.com (David Wall)
From: amatin@prism.poly.edu (Akbar Matin)
From: granoff@vaxwrk.enet.dec.com (Mark H. Granoff, EIS/E VAXworks  30-Aug-1991 1039)