Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group with which you play poker.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Don't sweat petty things......or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Whoever said "Money can't buy love" never owned a dog
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Guests who kill talk show hosts...On the last Geraldo.
Don't be a sexist; chicks hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Money can't buy happiness - but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 out of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.
If they're OK ...
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.