This was originally written for The Unnatural Enquirer by Trygve Lode. Visit Trygve's homepage at http://www.trygve.com or view more of his writings for the Enquirer at http://www.trygve.com/enquirer.html. also, special thanks trygve for being cool with my reprints and alerting me to the fact that he wrote them! --muppet
GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.
BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.
PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's/ he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?
YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.
Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.