here is large compilation of various types of short jokes and whatnot. tho' some of them have made prior appearances in my humor collection, it came in one email and makes a nice compendium. you've got your accidentally lewd headlines, sarcastic snappy comebacks, politically incorrect jokes, dirty stories, the whole nine yards. incidentally, did anybody ever notice that internet humor is predominantly sex-related? hmm...

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago.
-- Detroit News article

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
-- Toronto Star headline

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.
-- Entrepreneur Magazine ad

Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
-- The Tallahassee Bugle

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
-- The Anchorage, Alaska Times

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
-- The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters
-- The Tallahassee Democrat

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
-- The Houston Chronicle

Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"]
-- The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
-- The Arkansas Plainsman

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands
-- Bangor Maine News

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
-- The Washington Times

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal
-- The Bosnia Bugle

Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow
-- Newsday

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
-- San Antonio Rose

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free
-- Chicago Daily News

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders
-- The Miami Herald

What NOT to say to a cop

Politically incorrect & rude

A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says I want 69.
His wife says "why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow.
Why don't Italians have acne?
It slides off.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of peace and quiet.
Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment.
What do you call a German tampon?
A Twatstika.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
NONE- He fell

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. Innocently she asked her father, "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating Lucy." he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." said her father.

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This picques the interest of the pharmacist. He turns to his clerk and says; "What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?" continuing on he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" askes the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house!"

Q: What's the speed limit for sex?
A: 68, because once you hit 69 you have to turn around and eat.

Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.

Q: Why is the head of a mans penis bigger than the shaft?
A: So his hand doesn't slip off and hit him in the face.

Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

The old spinster left instructions that when she died, she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born a Virgin, Lived as a Virgin, Died a Virgin." The tombstone carver gave his workers the instructions, but they were a lazy bunch and decided to shorten the inscription, so they wrote: "Returned unopened."

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised." answered the other.
"What's that mean?" questioned the other.
"It means they cut the skin off the end." replied the friend.
"How old were you when it was cut off?" asked the boy with a grimace.
"My mom said I was two days old." answered the friend.
"Did it hurt?" asked the other boy.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

"I want a divorce!" boomed the loud Texas oilman. "That wife of mine ain't acting right."

"Well J.P.," said the lawyer, "A wife is like your oil rigs, you have to take care of it and treat it well."

"But still, I should be entitled to get certain drilling rights!"

There were once two cowboys, one from Texas and the other from Oklahoma, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

Well, the temptation was too much for the Oklahoma cowboy and he quickly lept from his horse and has his way with the sheep. Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from Texas if he wanted some. "You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence........

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny to drop the subject but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I raise the toilet seat and pee onto the inside of the bowl. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw open the door to the bathroom, stand on top of the toilet tank to pee into the water, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about some sex!!' and she's always sound asleep.

Subject: Road Hazard

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on i75. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Lee, "it's not just one car... It's hundreds of them!"

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?" "I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Subject: My New Years resolutions

In 1999, I resolve to....

A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done because her vagina lips were much too large. She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didn't want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed. She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!. The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued... The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and the had the operation done herself." Just then the girl asked about the third rose. "The doctor said Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"