"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened"
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside and in turn asks them how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.
But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So, I started jumping up and down on his fingers, and he yelled but didn't fall. So, I ran inside and got a hammer and crushed his fingers until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the jerk - he landed in these bushes! So, I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (It weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done I went back to my bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second man aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practising them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors when I grabbed onto another balcony. I was trying to pull myself when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate.
When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes back out with a hammer and smashes my fingers! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. This guy threw his refrigerator at me! It fell on me and crushed me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait and went to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."