Subject: Actual Headlines

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
    -- The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
    -- The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
    -- The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
    -- The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
    -- Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
    -- The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
    -- The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
    -- Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
    -- San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
    -- Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
    -- The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
    -- The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
    -- The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? _ABSOLUTELY!
    -- The Houston Chronicle