Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.-Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.-Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.-Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.-Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.-Age 10

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.-Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.-Age 10

Home is where the house is.-Age 6

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.-Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.-Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.-Age 11

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.-Age 14

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.-Age 15