Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright,
and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough,
"Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh,
director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will
make our Lord moreaccessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface
to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude
of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
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Microsoft Crusades:
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This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files
over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha
or Allah.
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Microsoft God for the World Wide Web:
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This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information
Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a
standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies,
including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP).
Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
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Microsoft Prayers:
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Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow
worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure
Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft
God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types
of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
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Microsoft Savior:
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This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal
Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from
the user's system and establish a clearline of secure communications to
the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary
products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality
of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user
interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing
worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as
the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity,
Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft
Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning
to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt
to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.