Enlightenment Test

The following is a test of your level of Enlightenment.

• Score one point for each correct answer.
• Subtract one point for each wrong answer.
• Add your total number of right answers to the total number of wrong answers.
• Divide by the total number of questions on the test.
• Then wonder why you've tried to follow it this far.

The Questions

Multiple Choice

Select the answer which best completes the following statements:

1. Yin and .........
   1. Yout
   2. Tonic
   3. Yenta
   4. Yang
    
2. A Zen koan is ........
   1. Jewish Buddist
   2. All of the above
   3. None of the above
   4. None of the above
    
3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......
   1. A blue pearl
   2. Nothing
   3. Everything
   4. How would I know?
    
4. Lao-Tsu is.......
   1. Shrimp with fried rice
   2. The Atman Brothers
   3. A Japanese word for sneeze
   4. One of the above
    
5. Jivatman and Atman merge to become.......
   1. Jivatmanatman
   2. The Atman Brothers
   3. Jivatman & Atman Inc.
   4. Mr & Mrs Atman
    
6. The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is.
   1. Oneness
   2. Twoness
   3. Penpalness
   4. Just good friends
    
7. Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?
   1. Jehova
   2. Elohim
   3. Yahweh
   4. Charlton Heston
    
8. If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get.......
   1. A Swogi
   2. Salami
   3. Yogurt
   4. Heartburn
    
9. Carlos Castaneda is:
   1. a flamingo dancer
   2. a resort near San Juan
   3. the 2nd baseman for the LA Dodgers
   4. the guitarist for Santana
    
10. Om Mani Padme Om means:
    1. O manny, pardon my home
    2. Money talks, nobody walks in
    3. If u cn rd ths msg u cn Gt a gd jb
    4. Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're Sorry
     
11. The sound of one hand clapping is:
    1. very quiet
    2. similar to smiling with one lip
    3. a Zen record shop
    4. like the "p" in swimming
     
12. Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to :
    1. Eenie meenie
    2. Halloweenie
    3. Harry Houdini
    4. Pepto Bismol
     
13. The Tao Te Ching is:
    1. the new premier of China
    2. a new record by Cheech and Chong
    3. I Ching's older brother
    4. a massage parlor in Tokyo
     
14. You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means:
    1. "Have a good time"
    2. "Don't eat the Sweedish meatballs"
    3. "I just completed est training"
    4. Nothing anyone would understand
     

Short Answer (maybe)

1. If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?
    
2. If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
    
3. If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?
    

True-False

_______ Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
_______ Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays.
_______ Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.
_______ The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.

Score